Purpose

What elevates us above the other primates is our ability to think philosophically.  Who am I? What is real? Why am I here? Our ability to ask these questions is both a blessing and a curse.  We are blessed that we have the capacity for existential thought, but we are cursed in that the questions we ask have had no satisfactory answer for thousands of years.  It is unfulfilling and possibly pointless, but our nature ensures that we will continue question.

I feel that today I went some way towards answering the unanswerable "Why am I here?" by realising my purpose; my overall reason for doing the things that I do.  Why have I studied?  Why am I continuing in this career?  What are my plans for the future?  All of these questions now seem, in my head at least to have some kind of unifying answer, and I feel that I may soon be on my way to living a Purpose Driven Life.

I'm not a Christian in any sense of the word, and I haven't read the book of that title, but the phrase perfectly encompasses how I am feeling right now.  Once there is a purpose that drives you, your actions are automatically imbued with special meaning, unconsciously pushing you to greater effort and greater success.

In my career I feel that there are two main priorities.  To help people, and to make money.  As a slave cannot serve two masters, everyone has a slant towards one or the other and some are wholly entrenched in one camp.  I do like money, I like the doors that money can open, and a life without money worries is an easy (easier) life but I want to help people.  The feeling when a dental phobic patient tells you that they trust you is indescribable.  I want that to continue.

I'm sitting here and I was compelled to write because I'm feeling so inspired right now, but you'll realise that I have yet to state my purpose here.  This is because it isn't yet in a form that lends itself easily to description.  It's a feeling, an idea, a thought, a spark of something special that is not yet alight.  I know that for dreams to be realised their airy insubstantial nature has to be solidified with specifics and time frames but I'm not ready for that yet.  I'm inspired, and I want to enjoy this feeling.

Thats Dr Eva!

FOUR YEARS!!

Four years of life and I have finally reached the day that made it all worth while.  Last friday I opened an envelope while my heart pulsed in my mouth and then cried as I read Final Grade - BDS (Hons).  These weren't pretty tears.  They were snotty, red eyed, honking sobs of gratitude and relief, since I had managed to convince myself that I had failed at least one of the exams.  I hadn't quite composed myself when I called my parents and they were sure I had failed until I managed to get the good news out.

So now I'm a doctor (ish).  A doctor of teeth. And I couldn't be happier.

Results weekend fell on the weekend of my 26th birthday so it really was a celebration, presents included a stack of cash, a kindle (can't wait til Amazon finally delivers this), jewellery and a holiday to the Dominican Republic (although technically this was less of a present and more my Dad trying to get rid of his airmiles).

I am walking around London with a ridiculous smile on my face.  I'm a clown.  I look like I have been botoxed this way.  I don't care.

Back down on earth I still have patients to finish off and bureaucracy to navigate so I can move to Oxford with a clear head.

Pescatarianism

Three weeks ago (tomorrow) I gave up on chicken.  Since I already didn't eat pork or beef (except in lasagne - yum) and lamb was a very rare thing, I decided to do a month of vegetarianism, just to see if I could, and if it would have any effect on my wellbeing.  After the first week I was craving tuna, so I adjusted my goal to pescatarianism, and this may actually become a permanent lifestyle choice.

First things first - PLEASE don't tell my Dad.  He has been pushing his meat-free lifestyle on us for a very long time (he's also dairy-free, egg-free, shellfish-free, but eats fish - as with most things he supercedes classification).  I've told him that I'm doing this for a month, so we'll see if he notices that it continues.

I miss mum's roast chicken.  Sunday lunch is a staple in my house, at 3pm we're all around the table while Mum dishes out crispy roast potatoes, vegetables, my mac and cheese and either succulent roast chicken or a vegan tofu based concoction for Dad and J.  Now I am sure I can be pescatarian without ingesting the gelatinous white mass that is tofu - bleugh, but it will make Sunday's difficult.

Today I had the best soup (store-bought) I've had with no chicken.  Tesco's Finest Puy Lentil and Tomato - delish, it didn't even need the extra kick of hot pepper sauce that I added (I cried like a baby).  Please try it - and thank me when you see me.

When exams are over and I actually start cooking again I have soooooo many recipe ideas that I want to try and hopefully I can put them up here with some photographs - call it an early draft of Mama Eva's cook book.


[Just to clarify - NONE of these food choices have anything to do with having a particularly human attitude to animals reared for meat.  In that regard my attitude remains firmly carnivorous.  I will still eat eggs, fish, shellfish, wear leather shoes, sit on leather sofas, and if someone buys me a fur coat I'd wear that too, and woe betide any PETA activists that attack it with red paint - grrrrr!]

masochist

Uurgh I'm annoyed with myself and embarrassed at this most recent show of blinding insecurity. 

I may have possibly spent the last 10 minutes doing an attractiveness comparison with an irrelevant chick's facebook photos. 

*cringe*

In my defence, she should really have better privacy settings.  Seriously, who has their facebook page, wall, info and photos open to any Tom, Dick and Harry with a broadband connection?

In case you are curious, today I was hotter than her.  I'm not being bitchy, she's pretty, with gorgeous skin.  But whatever, Sunday's always leave me in a warm, self satisfied mood so sod it, I win this round!  In the harsh grey light of Monday morning I may come to a different conclusion and those emotional scalpels may leave metaphysical scars. 

Maybe I'm a masochist. 

fabulosity

So much to say and so little time.

• I read Precious (Push) and watched Good Hair and both inspired tonnes of thought. 
• I saw Corinne Bailey Rae's comeback gig at the tabernacle which has received rave reviews - one of them by me since me and my girl D had our comments featured in the Observer review section - woop!  Unfortunately the pictures were beyond awful so we kept that quiet. 
• I watched Lenny Henry in Othello and was pleasantly surprised by his skill.  Then a few hours later I was disappointed by his dismissal
• I seriously looked into places I can go and live after studying is done.  Requirements include heat, but no bugs, english speaking (french at a stretch), tax-free OR somewhere I can do some good.
• I got my exam results back and totally surpassed my wildest expectations.  

Each of these should be a stand alone post - but I have no tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime - arrrgh!

My obnoxious self centred narssicism has raised it's ugly head - 5/7 sentences start with an "I" and I couldn't care less.

ME, ME, ME gaddammit!!

Everybody needs a day of self love